


Affection ~Aishiteru Ga Ienakutte~

by zeon_avalanthe



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-21 20:24:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8259494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeon_avalanthe/pseuds/zeon_avalanthe
Summary: Ryosuke wishes that Yuto will stop caring. Because it hurts all the more when he holds him, knowing that Yuto will be gone by the end of the day. Because Yuto has someone else now and he can't even compare. Because he hates himself for succumbing to his selfish wish of wanting to own the one thing he can never have- Yuto's heart... Yuto begs to differ.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lady_Michiru](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Michiru/gifts).



Ryosuke pushes the taller male into an empty bathroom stall and kisses him hard. The other man let out a startled yelp before his feature relaxed and he replies to Ryosuke’s kiss just as strong.

 

“Come to my place tonight.” Ryosuke asks, almost begging.

 

The younger man disentangled Ryosuke’s hands from around his waist and looks at him gently.

 

“I’m sorry, Yama-chan. I have an appointment tonight.”

 

Ryosuke’s eyes fell. He takes a step back and averted his gaze away.

 

“Oh.” He responds dejectedly. “Okay then.”

 

From the corner of his eyes, Ryosuke can see the taller guy looking at him with a contemplative look.

 

“Ryosuke-“

 

He recognizes that tone. When the other man is calling him by his first name, Ryosuke knows that he’s either being very affectionate or very apologetic. He doesn’t have to be a genius to know which one it is  just now.

 

“It’s okay, Yuto.” He forces a smile, trying to assure the other. “I understand.”

 

The other man is not convinced even for a second, that much Ryosuke knows. But who was he to selfishly want him for himself?

 

“I’ll see you later.” Placing one last peck on Yuto’s cheek, Ryosuke then exits the stall.

 

Ryosuke hears the younger man calling for his name as he left, but he ignores him as he returns to the dressing room to pick his bag. After saying his goodbye to the remaining members, he leaves.

 

Ryosuke cries himself to sleep that night.

 

***

 

Yuto has always had a special spot within Ryosuke. From the day the younger guy called out for him when he was at his most anxious moment, Ryosuke has always thought of Yuto as someone important.

 

They used to always be together, sticking to each other like glue. But then they grew up and somehow they drifted apart.

 

Ryosuke can still remember how devastated he was when he realized that Yuto was no longer by his side. But then he had his own pride, so he took Yuto’s indifference as betrayal and began to hate him. Or so he kept on telling himself.

 

Then they became adults and began to see things from a different point of view and  they came to see that they have been selfish all these time. So they became honest with each other, speaking words and felt something being lifted off of their chest and then they were okay again. They were finally the inseparable YutoYama again.

 

Ryosuke had thought that they had finally returned to how they used to be: bestfriends who goofed around and walk back home together. He tried to ignore the fluttering feeling on his stomach whenever Yuto smiles his way. Or his fastened heartbeat when Yuto stands too close.

 

All that matters is that Ryosuke could finally smile sincerely once more as he sees the wrinkles around Yuto’s eyes as he laughs.

 

Until Yuto comes to his doorway one night. It was just a few months after their heartfelt reunion.

 

“Yuto? What are you doing at this hour?”

 

“Yama-chan . . .”

 

Ryosuke frowned. Yuto just latched his arms around his shoulders and Ryosuke could clearly smell the alcohol from his body.

 

“You’re a mess.” He sighed as he pulled Yuto inside and locked the door behind him.

 

He dumped Yuto on the couch before proceeding to make them tea, only to be stopped by Yuto’s hand grabbing his.

 

“Yuto?”

 

Ryosuke tilted his head in confusion when the younger man only stared at him with a dreamy look on his face before he tugged his lips up into a silly smile.

 

“Yama-chan!” He exclaimed before pulling at Ryosuke’s hand and forcing him to sit on his lap.

 

“What are you doing?” Ryosuke tried to get away, but Yuto’s grip rather strong for a drunk man.

 

Yuto doesn’t answer. He snuggled into Ryosuke’s neck instead and let out a loud sniffing sound.

 

“You smell delicious.”

 

Ryosuke held his urge to roll his eyes.

 

“Strawberry-fragrant soap, remember?”

 

“Hnn~”

 

How could Yuto forget when he was the one who gave it to Ryosuke on his birthday?

 

“Ryosuke-“

 

Ryosuke shuddered. Hearing Yuto calling him by his first name sent a shiver down his spine.

 

“I want you.”

 

The older widened his eyes at the words whispered right on his ear. He turned around slowly to look into Yuto’s eyes, trying and failing to find proof that Yuto was just fooling around.

 

“Y-Yuto?” He tried, “What happened?”

 

But the taller man ignored his question and instead leaned in to catch his lips with his own. It was too sudden that Ryosuke was unable to react for a moment. Only when Yuto tried to deepen their kiss that Ryosuke realized what was happening.

 

“Yuto, let go!” Ryosuke pushed the other guy away, “What were you doing?!”

 

“Ryosuke,” The taller called his name again, and Ryosuke could feel various emotions swirling on his brown orbs as he continue, “Please.”

 

Ryosuke could see how desperate the other looked, and his mind was brought back to this afternoon’s talk with his manager about the scandal Yuto just occurred. He reckoned this has something to do with that.

 

“Ryosuke,” Yuto called at him, trying to gain his attention, his voice needy.

 

Ryosuke closed his eyes.  _ Just this time _ , he told himself.  _ If it will make him feel better. Just this time. _

 

And Ryosuke let his lips be devoured once more. He let the taller guy do whatever he wanted to do to him. And Ryosuke only closed his eyes as he was being violated, again and again. Until Yuto’s body fell on top of him, and he was too exhausted to even move away.

 

_ “Thank you, Yama-chan.” _

 

Because by the end of the day, he was only a bestfriend who was willing to do anything to comfort the younger guy. And he would just ignore the possibility that this might change everything between them, relishing on the fact that he has Yuto now and Yuto has him.

 

So Ryosuke wipes his tears away as he let himself drift off to a restless sleep that night, with Yuto’s bare body clinging on his tightly.

 

***

 

That one night turned out to be one of many.

 

At first, it was always Yuto who approached him, asking for physical comfort. It mostly happened after a particularly rough day or when something bad had happened. Ryosuke knew that Yuto was just finding an escape. And that he was just using Ryosuke as his outlet. That it would affect their relationship and their group altogether sooner or later. So Ryosuke told himself over and over again that this would be the last, that he will tell Yuto  _ no  _ the next time, while knowing better than anyone else that it most likely won’t be. And so over time, Ryosuke learnt to give in and stopped minding at all.

 

That’s why one day, he was the one who came for Yuto instead.

 

“It’s unlikely of you to be this aggressive.” Yuto commented in between his pants after Ryosuke gave him a rough kiss.

 

“Shut up and just do it.” Ryosuke pierced at Yuto with his infamous glare, earning him a chuckle before the taller guy carried him to the bedroom, their lips entangled in a fierce battle all along.

 

Ryosuke knew that he just signed himself a crazy and hurtful ride. Yuto will still be Yuto. He would still be Yuto who can’t shut up about how amazing his co-actresses are. He would still be Yuto who thought of Ryosuke as his bestestest friend. He would still be Yuto who is clueless of the cracks he created in Ryosuke’s heart.

 

Because when Ryosuke knew it, it was already too late. There was no turning back now that he had come this far.

 

Ryosuke had fallen for his bestfriend.

 

***

 

When Ryosuke is stressed, Ryosuke does what he does best. Work.

 

So Ryosuke said yes to every offer coming to him. Be it movies, dramas, photoshoots, interviews, guest appearances, location shootings, concert planning, album coordinating, Ryosuke took them all.

 

He knows that he was just running away from his feelings, that he was just trying to distract himself with work, but Ryosuke doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t just tell Yuto in the face that he’s in love with him, nor can he end their physical thing.

 

If anything, it was the last string which kept him on the ground.

 

He doesn’t know how to call his relationship with Yuto anymore. Friends? Lovers? Friends with benefits? Indeed, Yuto has been more affectionate with him after that night. He has been more touchy-feely lately, to the point that Ryosuke has to scold him once to keep his hands off to himself. It’s not that he hates Yuto for clinging at him, but they have to be professional and keep their fan-service at a certain level on public.

 

But Yuto’s actions only confused Ryosuke more. He’s not sure anymore of how Yuto sees him. The taller guy never talks about their relationship, and Ryosuke is too afraid to ask. So he lets it be.

 

He will come straight to Yuto’s arms whenever he called, regardless how busy he is at the moment. And when Yuto is not around, he will bury himself with work work work. This way, at the very least, Ryosuke can keep his sanity intact.

 

***

 

“You look horrible.”

 

Ryosuke looks up and rolls his eyes at the sight of Chinen looming over him.

 

“Yeah. Thank you for pointing it out.” He snaps but takes the water bottle offered at him anyway.

 

“Don’t mention it.” The shorter guy smiles as he pushes Ryosuke slightly so he could take a seat on the couch.

 

The two of them fell into silence, contented at seeing the other members goofing around during their break. Chinen laughs when Daiki shows a picture of a cat to Hikaru and the older shrieks and immediately hides behind Yabu’s back.

 

“You know, I think you should take it easy after the drama.”

 

Ryosuke takes a side glance at Chinen, watching how the smaller guy doesn’t even turn his gaze away from Daiki who keeps pestering Hikaru with the picture. Ryosuke is sure he was adressing him just now.

 

“Don’t think that I didn’t know you, Ryosuke,” Chinen turns at him at last, offering a smile, “You were thinking of taking another movie after this, don’t you?”

 

When Ryosuke throws him a questioning look, Chinen only winks knowingly.

 

“You work too much. I’m worried for you.” The younger man’s smile disappeared as his face changed into that of concern, “You will break down eventually at this pace.”

 

“I’m fine,” Ryosuke shrugs Chinen off as he stood up, “Thank you for your concern though.”

 

Ryosuke was about to leave when Chinen grabbed at his sleeve, stopping him from taking another step further.

 

“JUMP consists of nine people, you know that.” His gaze bored into Ryosuke’s, “That means you have eight people to turn to when you have a problem. Well- in your case, it’s seven. But the point is, we are here if you need us. You got that, alright?”

 

Ryosuke blinks. From how Chinen phrased it, it was clear that he knew that something was going on between him and another JUMP member. It’s Chinen, so Ryosuke assumes that he knows  _ everything _ already.

 

He yanks his hand away, maybe a little too harsh but it’s the least of Ryosuke’s concern now.

 

“I, I’m getting myself a drink.”

 

And then he left.

 

***

 

The first thought which came to Ryosuke’s mind when he arrived to their dressing room that day was that hopefully, today’s recording will end as soon as possible. Luckily for him, he has nothing else on his schedule after this recording for two episodes of Itadaki High Jump.

 

He had considered Chinen’s advice and thought that it was probably best if he takes it easy now. He was feeling sluggish recently, so he used it as an excuse to tell his manager to free his schedule for a few days and to reject the movie offer.

 

But today he woke up to a monstrous headache and not even two Advils helped him.

 

“Yamada-kun,” Ryosuke turned only to see their manager signaling him to follow him away from the crowd.

 

“What is it, Hayama-san?”

 

Ryosuke could see that the man is nervous, and he immediately told to sit down when they entered an empty room.

 

“This came out this morning.” The man opened his bag and took out a morning newspaper which then he laid in front of Ryosuke.

 

On the front page is written in huge and bold words:  _ ‘NY, a member of Japan’s top idol group H is rumoured to have held an engagement this prior month. Possible marriage talk in the near future!?’ _

 

Just below the title is a picture of none other than Nakajima Yuto walking hand-in-hand with a woman. Granted the face is censored, but Ryosuke could recognize his figure anywhere.

 

Looking up, Ryosuke was met with the manager’s bewildered look.

 

“Johnny-san called this morning and he was furious. He had ordered me to call the newspaper to confirm this issue and we’re taking care of it. But we need a distraction, to make sure that this scandal won’t spread.”

 

At the tone he was using, Ryosuke feels like he knows where this conversation will lead to.

 

“I’m afraid that you don’t have a choice but to accept that movie offer. We plan to announce it next week. Are you okay with this arrangement?”

 

Ryosuke remembers agreeing, but his mind was elsewhere. He listens to the manager explaining the little details before he was excused to change his clothes for the recording.

 

When they entered the studio, Ryosuke tries his best to be professional. He laughs when it’s proper, and comments when it’s necessary. But most of the time, he is thinking of that newspaper and the scandal that follows.

 

  1. _Nakajima Yuto. Engangement. A woman. Marriage._



 

Ryosuke takes a side glance to look at Yuto. The man doesn’t look any different than usual. It’s either he hasn’t heard from Johnny-san about the news, or he did but doesn’t mind it anyway. Ryosuke begins to think whether the rumour is true or not. He’s a coward. He doesn’t have the courage to confront Yuto about it head-on. But it’s unlikely that Yuto will start talking anytime soon.

 

But Ryosuke has to do something about it or else he will burst.

 

“Come to my place tonight.”

 

_ I need you. Just tonight, please let me be selfish. _

 

The younger man disentangled Ryosuke’s hands from around his waist and looks at him gently.

 

_ No, please don’t say it. Don’t break my heart. _

 

“I’m sorry, Yama-chan. I have an appointment tonight.”

 

_ With your fiancee. Of course. You would have picked her over me. I matter not compared to a woman you love. _

 

That’s when Ryosuke realized his place. Yuto never saw him as more than as a friend. All those gentle caresses, the smiles, the hugs, they were all Yuto’s way to treat his friends. Their shared nights were nothing but Yuto’s way to let his steam out.

 

Ryosuke should have known better that he doesn’t deserve Yuto. He never will.

 

But he can’t stop seeing Yuto. Even after that. Even after knowing everything. The next day, the next week, the next month, he still comes to Yuto’s door running whenever he calls. And little by little, Ryosuke begins to hate himself more and more. For not being able to resist, for not being able to say no, for being selfish and wanting Yuto for himself even if only for one night. Even if it’s only the illusion of his mind.

 

Because Ryosuke loves the feeling of Yuto’s arms around him, of the warmth and superficial affection they shared. Because Ryosuke has become addicted to Yuto.

 

***

 

Ryosuke calls in sick one day.

 

He is feeling slightly guilty because that would mean that they had to cancel today’s shooting, but he simply doesn’t have the energy to do anything that day. The constant headache he has been having these days comes twice as strong as he wakes up that morning and he feels like he’s coming down with a fever as he sees his flushed cheek on the mirror when he brushed his teeth.

 

And beside, he’s far too heartbroken to even think about work.

 

Ryosuke knows it was not his place to feel jealous, but he can’t help but feel a pang on his heart when he sees Yuto talking animatedly with someone over the phone a few nights ago during rehearsal, his expression unusually happy. He also rushes home after practice is over without saying anything, even when he already promised a dinner with Ryosuke. Later in the midnight, when Ryosuke is about to turn in for the night, did only Yuto sent him a message. A very short message.

 

_ ‘Sorry about today.’ _

 

There was no explanation and no compensation. Like he didn’t care that he had hurt Ryosuke deeply over this.

 

Not that Ryosuke expected any. Who was he to receive such special treatment from Yuto anyway?

 

That’s why today, after texting his manager of his condition, he turns off his phone and places it on his drawer, determined to keep himself off of any disturbance for the day. After changing into a fresh set of pyjamas, Ryosuke bundled himself with his blanket and lay on his couch, his fingers would sometimes crawled out to grab the fruits on the coffee table as he watches a morning drama.

 

Ryosuke must have fell asleep midway, because when he comes around the second time, it’s already past noon and the TV is showing some random variety show in which they visited a newly-opened zoo in Shizuoka or something. Taking a deep breath, Ryosuke is ready to close his eyes again when he heard his bell rings.

 

He tried to ignore it at first. He was not expecting a guest nor he ordered anything. But the person on his door seems persistent as they keep on pressing the doorbell and even started to knock on his door.

 

Ryosuke thinks that it would cause a ruckus if he continues to ignore the gradually increasing banging on his door, so he slowly stood up and went to welcome his guest.

 

“Yama-chan!” A sound of relief is evident in his guest’s voice, and Ryosuke has to blink a few times to make sure that he is not imagining things. “Thank God you finally open the door.”

 

“Y-Yuto?”

 

“You didn’t answer my calls nor were you returning my mails,” Yuto started off as he invited himself in. “And then I heard from our manager that you called in sick so I rushed here after the photoshoots.”

 

Ryosuke let Yuto lead him back to the livingroom, hearing the door slam close behind them.

 

“I was worried that something had happened to you when you’re not answering the door. But I’m glad that you are okay. Well, at least you look okay to me. Are you okay?”

 

Ryosuke nods, too dumbstruck to form a proper word.

 

“Have you eaten?”

 

He shakes his head. He doesn’t really have the appetite anyway.

 

“I don’t have the appetite.” He says his thought outloud.

 

“It’s not good!” Yuto put his hands on his waist, his eyes disapproving. “You have to eat something so you’ll get better soon, you know.”

 

And with that, Yuto made his way to his kitchen, rummaging through his fridge to look for proper ingredients to cook something decent. And Ryosuke could only watch from where he sat at the livingroom, feeling a little uncomfortable at how familiar Yuto seems with his house.

 

A little over thirty minutes later, Yuto re-emerges from the kitchen with a plate of steaming  _ omurice _ and a glass of hot milk which he hands over to Ryosuke.

 

“Come, eat it.”

 

An expectant smile is plastered on Yuto’s face as Ryosuke takes the first bite. Yuto doesn’t cook often, he mostly eat out or order deliveries or have Ryosuke cook for him.

 

“How is it?”

 

“It’s good.” Ryosuke answered honestly as he takes another spoonful of rice to his mouth.

 

“Well, I see that watching you cook has it’s own advantage.” Yuto said so casually that it took Ryosuke by surprise he almost spit the food. “Careful.”

 

Ryosuke takes the offered drink as he eases his coughs down.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“You should lie down and rest after your meal. Have you taken medicine?”

 

Ryosuke shakes his head in response and heard Yuto sigh before he places a hand on Ryosuke’s forehead.

 

“You should take your meal and medicine properly, Ryosuke,” He said as he retreats his hand back, “You have quite a fever. Do you have headache? Nausea?”

 

Ryosuke could feel his cheeks heat up and it has nothing to do with his fever.

 

“Yeah, a little.”

 

“I looked at your first aid box and it’s empty. So I’ll go to the drug store to get you some medicine and you better finish your meal while I’m on it, okay?”

 

Ryosuke look a little dazed as he watch Yuto get ready.

 

“Do you need anything else?”

 

“No, I’m fine.”

 

Yuto flashes him a smile before he disappears from Ryosuke’s sight.

 

“I’m leaving.”

 

***

 

When Yuto returns, Ryosuke is half-asleep on the couch with a half-eaten  _ omurice _ on his lap. Ryosuke was then roused to take his pills, before Yuto ushered him to the bedroom as he took care of the dishes. Ryosuke was ready to doze off when Yuto enters his room and drapes his blanket around him and he snuggles deeper into the warmth.

 

Yuto stays with him for the whole day that day. He wakes Ryosuke up when it’s time for dinner, helps him change because Ryosuke sweats a lot, and even kisses him goodnight.

 

Ryosuke smiles as he drifts into dreamland.

 

***

 

It was dark when Ryosuke opened his eyes. He panics. He never turn the lights off when he sleeps. He then remembered Yuto. Yuto must have turned off the lights.

 

“Yuto?”

 

He calls his name, but there was no respond. He tries again and again and again, but still no Yuto. His heart started to beat faster. Did Yuto leave?

 

Ryosuke gets off of the bed and took a step forward. He swears he heard something moving by the corner. He tries to calm himself down. It could have been a lizard or something. He walks blindly to where he knows the lamp switch is, but as he presses on it, nothing happened. The room remains dark.

 

That’s when he realizes that it’s complete darkness he’s in. There should be at least faint moonlight seeping through the window but there’s none. His heart clenches in fear. He reaches for the doorknob to try to escape, but it won’t open. No matter how hard he tried, the door won’t open. Someone must have locked it.

 

“Yuto,” He calls the name again, hoping that he will get an answer this time. “Yuto! Yuto! YUTO!”

 

Ryosuke screams and screams but it was a futile attempt. That something from the corner is heard again. It sounds like it’s moving towards Ryosuke and it’s getting closer and closer.

 

“No-“ Ryosuke’s breath got hitched on his throat as he imagined what that thing is and what it will do to him, “No, no, no, no! Yuto! Please! Please, come back!”

 

Ryosuke start banging on the door in hope that anything- anyone would come and save him from this darkness and the creature which lives in it. He could feel the wind gushing on his feet and that’s when he knows that the creature is very near. Just when he’s about to try to force open the door, he could feel something on his shoulder.

 

He screams.

 

***

 

“Ryosuke, wake up!”

 

Ryosuke sees a worried-looking Yuto over him when he opens his eyes. He looks around him and it’s no longer dark, and that Yuto is there with him.

 

“What happened?”

 

Yuto asks him, concern all over his face but Ryosuke can’t find words to explain. Instead, he wraps his arms around the taller guy and buried his head on his chest. Yuto said nothing as he envelopes Ryosuke tighter, muttering sweet nothings to his ear and caressing his back gently to calm him down.

 

And suddenly, Ryosuke feels so exhausted. He feels like he just ran a thousand miles away.

 

“Feeling better?”

 

Ryosuke nods as he pries himself away from the comfort of Yuto’s embrace.

 

“Nightmare?”

 

Ryosuke nods again as he drinks the water Yuto gave him.

 

“Your fever rose up.” Yuto comments after feeling his temperature. “How about trying to go back to sleep?”

 

Ryosuke is hesitant, but he nods anyway. He needs the sleep for his worn out body. He lets Yuto lay him back down on the bed and tucked the blanket up to his chin. But when he stood up and is about to leave, the fear of being left alone in the dark comes back to Ryosuke so he jumps and grabs Yuto’s hand.

 

“Don’t leave.”

 

Ryosuke must have look so pathetic right now but he couldn’t care less.

 

Yuto smiles as he sat back on the bed.

 

“I won’t go anywhere,” He said as his other hand stroke Ryosuke’s hair, “I will always be here by your side.”

 

“You’ll stay?” Ryosuke yawns but he can’t help but still feel insecure- the nightmare replaying in his head.

 

“Always.”

 

Ryosuke smiles as he closes his eyes, relishing in Yuto’s touch and his soothing words.

 

***

 

When morning comes, Ryosuke feels all better already. He trudges his way to the kitchen to get himself a drink, when he catches Yuto cooking on his kitchen.

 

“Oh, Yama-chan, you’re awake.” Yuto flashes him a smile before continuing his mission in cooking.

 

Memories from last night come rushing back to him and Ryosuke blushes. He can’t believe he had shown that side of him to Yuto last night. The younger must have thought that he’s childish and silly.

 

“Yuto, I’m okay already. So you don’t have to-“

 

“Nonsense!” Yuto waves him off. “I want to take care of you because I care about you. So you should sit tight and let yourself be pampered by my love!”

 

_ Love. _

 

Ryosuke then remembers the reason behind all this. It is ironic somehow. He made a mess of himself because of his feelings towards Yuto and it was the younger guy who is now trying to fix him up.

 

_ Yuto must have something better to do than to look out for me. _

 

Ryosuke stares straight into Yuto’s eyes.

 

_ Like his fiancee. _

 

It hurts. To have Yuto caring for him while knowing that he has someone else. He can’t take it. Yuto is probably here because he pities him and feels obliged to because of their messed up relationship. Ryosuke doesn’t need his pity. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve Yuto’s kindness.

 

“Please, stop.“ His voice is barely a whisper that he almost doubt Yuto heard it. But Yuto must have notice something because he stops stirring on the fry pan and turned to look at him.

 

“Yama-chan?”

 

“Please, stop this.” Ryosuke repeats, a little louder this time. He needs to be strong. Yuto has someone he cherishes now. He needs to end whatever it is between them. He should have ended it long ago. “I, I can take care of myself just fine. You don’t have to stay any longer.”

 

“But-“

 

“I’m sure you’re busy enough as it is. I don’t want to add up to your burden.” Ryosuke turned his back to Yuto, trying to block everything away. “Please, leave.”

 

“I don’t-“

 

“Just leave!” Ryosuke can’t hold it any longer. As soon as those words slipped out from his lips, his tears fell.

 

“Ryosuke-“

 

“Why are you being like this? Why are you being so kind to me?” Ryosuke sobs, “I don’t get you at all. You come and go like a whirlwind. You messed me up and my feelings. You ruined me inside out.”

 

He could hear Yuto approaching him, but he ignores it and continues.

 

“I should have never let you in in the first place. I should have pushed you away after that night. I should  _ hate  _ you,” He sniffs as he brought his hands to wipe the stubborn tears that keep on falling from his eyes, “But I can’t, I just- I can’t hate you and I hate myself for being weak. I hate myself who couldn’t resist you. I hate myself- I hate myself for falling in love with you. So I let things happened because despite knowing that you never see me that way, I got to hold you even if just for a moment.”

 

Ryosuke could feel Yuto’s breath on his neck so he turns around to find Yuto staring at him with a surprised look on his face.

 

_ Of course _ , Ryosuke smiles,  _ He must have been shocked to hear a confession coming from his bestfriend’s mouth. Or- am I still qualified to be called his friend? _

 

“But you have someone now, and I don’t think that you’ll be needing me anymore,” Ryosuke almost chokes on his own words, but he tries to keep his ground, “You don’t have to stay with me just because you pity me or because you were feeling guilty. I don’t want to chain you and force you to do things you don’t actually want to do.”

 

They fall into an uncomfortable silence for a while. Ryosuke still tries to stop his tears and Yuto looks like he’s at lost of what to say.

 

“Ryosuke-“ After a while, Yuto find his voice back, “I-“

 

“Please, don’t!” Ryosuke pushes his palm on Yuto’s chest. “I don’t want to listen to your excuses. Just, just leave and say nothing. I will be fine, I promise. You don’t have to worry about anything. This is just between us. The others don’t have to know.”

 

“But I-“

 

“Please don’t make it harder, Yuto.” Ryosuke looks up and offers Yuto a smile. “You will only hurt us by being like this. You will only hurt  _ her _ .”

 

“No, listen-“

 

“Yuto-“

 

“RYOSUKE, LISTEN TO ME!”

 

Ryosuke widened his eyes in surprise at Yuto’s sudden outburst. He finds his wrists being held tightly by the other guy as if he’s trying to prevent Ryosuke from running away. He blinks as he sees Yuto close his eyes and takes a deep breath.

 

“You kept on talking, you didn’t even give me a chance to explain- to clarify.” Yuto says, his voice firm yet gentle at the same time. “First thing: I don’t have anyone. No girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancee, or anyone you are so convinced I have.”

 

“Eh?” Ryosuke opens his mouth, “But the rumour-?”

 

“Is nothing but rumours.” Yuto cuts his sentence before he could finish it. “That woman in the picture? She is my cousin. We attended an engagement party of our other cousin that night, and I only escorted her home after that. Johnny-san called and raged at me when the scandal came out, but after I told him the situation, he understood pretty easily and told me that the issue will be handled.”

 

“But our manager said he was convinced that the rumour was true?! He even asked me to accept that movie offer as a distraction to keep it mild!”

 

“The manager haven’t heard the revised story when he talked to you.” Yuto explains, “And when he heard about it, the agreement for the movie had been made and cannot be cancelled. And he assumed that you had  _ known _ so he didn’t elaborate. I admit that it was my fault for not confirming the rumour immediately to you and the others.”

 

Ryosuke hung his head down. He doesn’t know how to react. So he has misunderstood everything? But- it still doesn’t change the fact that Yuto is no-

 

“And second thing, your feelings is not one-sided.”

 

Ryosuke looks up so fast he thought he was going to break his neck. He searches into Yuto’s eyes, and sees nothing but sincerety in those pair of chocolote orbs.

 

“Wha-“

 

“I love you, too, Ryosuke. I always have.”

 

“But- I- we-“ Ryosuke heaved a deep breath. “You never said anything.”

 

“I didn’t, yes. And I regret it. Should I have known that my silence will bring you so much pain, I would’ve said it years ago.”

 

“I- I don’t understand.”

 

“I was a fool.” Yuto sighs. “And I still am. I took you for granted. I thought I don’t need to say it out loud to send my feelings across. I thought that showing my love through actions would be enough. I thought that you understood, because you never pushed me away, because you were always there for me when I needed you. I, I never thought it would get you insecure and lonely. It was insensitive of me to have not considered your feelings, and I’m sorry.”

 

Ryosuke lets Yuto pulled him into his embrace when Yuto continues, “You must have been feeling so confused all these time. You must have suffered a lot. I am sorry for making you feel that way. I am sorry for letting you carry the burden of all of these alone.”

 

Hearing those words, Ryosuke can’t help but shed tears once more. He clutches into Yuto’s shirt tightly as he cries, Yuto’s hand caressing his back softly as he lets him cry.

 

“I- You’re not lying to me, are you?” On the deepest part of his heart, Ryosuke could still feel the doubt crawling. It is all too much and too sudden.

 

“Of course not.” Yuto pulls apart to look at Ryosuke properly. “Why would I lie to you?”

 

“Then that day? When I invited you over and you declined? What was that all about?” Ryosuke whispered, still too scared to receive an answer which will hurt him.

 

“Ah, about that,” Yuto smiles. “I noticed that you were not feeling good those days, and since I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back if I were to come, I decided to resist and let your rest for that night. And beside, it was just right  _ after _ the scandal. The media must have still be hot on my tails. I don’t want to involve you in my mess if ever the paparazzi caught us going home together.”

 

“Then how about that day you cancelled our dinner?” Ryosuke pushes, gaining a little confidence after hearing Yuto’s reason.

 

“Ah, my Mum called that afternoon to tell me that my aunt just delivered her baby. Mum told me that they will visit her and her baby that night so I told her I will come as well. I guess, I was too excited about it that I forgot about our plan. And when I remembered, it was already past midnight. I thought of calling you but was afraid that you have fallen asleep already, so I sent you a message and intended to explain and make it up to you the next day, but you suddenly avoided me. After that, the matter slipped away just like that.” Yuto explains like he knows what’s exactly on Ryosuke’s mind.

 

“I was upset. And you didn’t elaborate that much on the message so I assumed that you were going out with your fiancee and thought that I shouldn’t bothered you since you were having it nice with her.” Ryosuke remembers how he rejected Yuto’s advances that day.

 

“In which I’m sorry about.” Yuto nods as he gives Ryosuke’s forehead a peck. “But I really meant to explain the next day, so I thought a short message would suffice just to let you know that I’m sorry. I should learn to convey my feelings through words better then.”

 

Ryosuke pouts. He quickly disentangled himself from Yuto’s arms.

 

“Well, I’m sorry for being difficult.”

 

“Hey, I didn’t mean it that way. I just, I just don’t want you to misunderstand me anymore, since it would hurt you. And I don’t want to see you hurt. Not anymore.” Yuto reaches for Ryosuke and wipes the teartracks on Ryosuke’s cheek.

 

“I love you, so much.” Yuto whispers gently, “I knew that my way of showing my love is different and I have hurt you along the way, but please believe me when I tell you that I cherish you more than I cherish my own life.”

 

Ryosuke smiles, but drops it when he sees Yuto frowns.

 

“I even violated you without conveying my feelings first. I didn’t even consider if you actually want it or not. God, Ryosuke, I practically raped you. I’m feeling like the biggest jerk. I am so sorry. I- I really am the worst.”

 

Yuto suddenly pulls his hand away as he turns his back on Ryosuke, his shoulders slumped in remorse.

 

Ryosuke takes a step forward and his hand reaches hesitantly to interwinted his fingers with Yuto’s. When the taller turns around, he smiles assuringly.

 

“It’s okay. If it’s you, it’s okay. I forgive you.” Ryosuke blushes before he said his next words, “And, uhm, I kind of, wanted it too, you know.”

 

A chuckle could be heard coming from Yuto’s lips.

 

“You are so adorable, you know that?” Yuto pats on his hair affectionately. “Thank you, for putting up with me and for loving me despite everything that I have done to you. It means a lot to me.”

 

Ryosuke smiles as he traces Yuto’s face with his finger.

 

“You are perfect. I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

 

Yuto smiles back as he leans closer and kiss Ryosuke. A sweet and tender kiss. Ryosuke closes his eyes as he responds to the kiss. They part after a while.

 

“You are beautiful. And you are mine.” Yuto brushes a strand hair from his face. “I love you, Ryosuke.”

 

Ryosuke smiles before burying his head on Yuto’s chest. He is filled with happiness that he feels like he might burst.

 

“I love you too, Yuto.”

 

~~~THE END~~~

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I do the prompt justice. I was pondering for quite some time before this idea came to me.
> 
> This prompt has been a wonderful challenge for me, and I could only hope that the requested would enjoy it XD  
> Thank you for your awesome prompt!
> 
> And thank you to mods for putting up with me. I'm sorry for all the troubles I caused you guys, and it'd been an amazing experience to join in the fun in this year's YYExchange. You guys rock!  
> Thanks a lot to my awesomest beta J who have been a great support to me throughout the whole process! You had no idea how much your words and encouragement meant to me. I can never go this far without you, and I love you so much girl! Lots of hugs and kisses for you!
> 
> Lastly, I hope everyone had a great time in this exchange because I did! Let's meet again someday somewhere somewhen!


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